The perfect Kind of Date.

Today I had one of those moments in life where you are overwhelmed with love. So much that you cry but you're laughing...you know what I mean right??

While my other 2 bloggies are happy go lucky, that's not exactly where I'm at right now. I am at a much better place than I was this weekend though..so I'll update on what's for REAL happening and then post about the past month or so..

I guess it's best to start at Saturday.. This is what I just copied out of my journal:

The kind of moment you know you will remember forever.

Numb. Paralyzed. Hopeless. Stuck.

This is how I felt all day today.

I knew today was coming. I've been leading up to it for almost a month now.

I fell backwards about 100 steps, and down a side street I did NOT want to be on.

I found myself on the alleyway of despair and this time, there was no getting out of it.

No distraction worked. Sleeping became a nightmare again as my dreams constantly reminded me of my reality.

I was busy the ENTIRE day. I made sure of it. Doing things that should and usually do, make me happy. All I felt was numb. Most times there is a constant ache in the back of my mind. Well today, it was in the forefront..so much that my heart actually hurt.

It's been that way for about 1 1/2 weeks. About 1 step shy of a full blown panic attack.

I tried everything:

A glass of wine, or three (and as all of you know, I do not drink. ever)

talking it out

pushing it away

And tonight I hit a wall. I kept trying to find SOMETHING to make me feel better. NOTHING.

I started getting bitter, annoyed, and impatient.

That's when the Lord intervened..and he did it through my beloved roommate Taylor.

We left a party of all our friends because i could not take it anymore. I wanted to crawl in my bed and just be alone. She was concerned about me because I was so unresponsive…and kept trying to figure out what to do.

That's when my heavenly father spoke to us.

Tay said "Roll down your window"

I obliged.

She said "what do you smell"

I said "the ocean"

she said "exactly lets go."

Without one single hesitation, I turned the car and went to the first side street I saw. We got out of the car, looked at each other, and without one word said or a decision made, we ran as fast as we could in our cute dresses head first right into the Pacific Ocean.

We were so filled by the spirit and peace of God I cannot even describe the feeling. It was so strong. I felt like crying but the joy was so powerful I couldn't stop laughing. It was the oddest sound as we both laughed/ cried/ and splashed around at 12:30 AM alone with our creator in the Pacific waves.

Tay looked at me and said "Hay, this is why we are here...we are suppossed to be here...together" and she was right

Walking out of that ocean, I felt like 3,000 lbs had been lifted off my chest. I cried out, God, take it. Please just take it. I can't carry it anymore. And he did. He lifted my burdens and I will go to sleep now. Light. Joyous. and at peace…

All I needed was a slap in the face with some cold west coast water with my closest friend here, and the one who loves me all the time.

Here are some pics post ocean:

So after the weekend, I felt better until Yesterday....then I hit a breaking point. and talked to my mama all day and contemplated what I wanted to do...and realized that I am offering my life to God with closed fists..and I'm really working on letting go...

Well today I had my favorite date yet..and it was with myself. myself and jesus that is..

I got a presh beach cruiser yesterday and today I decided to ride to the beach. I was scared...there were cars everywhere, but I did it...and As I smelled the ocean breeze I felt like Julia Roberts from Eat Pray Love when she looked so happy in India at complete peace with herself. I felt like that...I did the laugh cry joy sound again and just felt so loved. It was an amazing feeling. As I got to the beach, I saw the sunset, and about 20 surfers surfing the last waves of the day, and I had one of those...holy crap I live here moments...and rode home listening to Sara Barellis and singing at the top of my lungs :) :)

What a perfect date.

xoxo

Hailstorm