Landing on your ass.

I just had a baby..

No, I’m not pregnant. I mean the passion project/baby/bain of my existence has finally arrived. I have been working/trying/fighting for a year and a half (more like 26 years) for today. 

And...Somehow my brother, always seems to do something around the day of his Birthday that reminds me to keep fighting. Keep movin’ along. How did I not realize that this was due the day before his birthday? And the fact that that was the last time I posted in here!?

I know I am dramatic, but this is actually verbatim one of our last conversations..before he passed away. He said “Go to California. Chase your dreams. No matter what Mom and Dad say.” ...and I promised him that. I forget that happened sometimes…but here I am in Mar Vista trying to avoid the nightly helicopter chases and not washing my hair because it’s cool in Venice (sorry mom)

These past 2 years 2 months have been challenging in so many ways..but the questions I keep coming to are:

What if no one ever approves of me? What if I am not good enough? and lastly…What is Success?

I feel like I am trying so HARD. Wanting to learn and be so good.. but I keep feeling this sense of insignificance. A sort of incapability to please people... Or to feel like I am “GOOD”.

This is something, I honestly, am not used to. I grew up in a household where my Mimi would tell people I won American Idol if I got through a round of a singing competition, my Mom cries every time I show her anything I work on, and my friends believe in me.

So I have have to cry in the bathtub...drink red wine... REALLY sit back…and really think about what TO ME means I am being successful...

What if my challenges never TRULY get worked through? Or the valleys aren’t amounting to some sort of Earthly societal “WIN”…some “I told you so” comeback?

It’s comforting to think when things are tough, this too shall pass... But, What if it doesn’t? What if you failing HARD, and working harder, doesn’t make you come out on top?

What if you shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars on your ass?

WHAT. THEN? 

Shouldn’t I feel like today is the DAY!?  Shouldn’t I be top down in my convertible blaring the new Taylor Swift CD on cloud 9 feeling like I just accomplished something huge? (I probably will still do this)  Why don’t I feel different?!?!

I think I figured it out. There is never a moment.

It's a cumulation of moments.

Like this:

Move to California, start working for Red Bull, meet friends who encourage you, realize you have to start doing what you think you want, quit your job, ask for another job, take a chance, meet a boy who loves you, start taking chances, fail, cry in the bath tub, think you have made it, fail again, drink red wine, try again, be hurt by people you thought want you to do well, get over it, keep trying, repeat.

There is no real moment… it’s just all of them in one. And some are amazing and some just plain out suck, but they are all your moment. So what does that mean?

No matter what I am doing, I can control these two things:

1. Seek God First

2. Love people.

Whether I am serving cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster (yes I did that) or traveling the country to entertain and make people feel special, I can always love people. 

But, what does that mean about success? I guess it means that as long as you are living in your mini-moments, and loving people, you are doing pretty damn good. 

So even if I do “end up on my ass” I will have people I love, and that love me there to pick me right back up. I will serve a God that could care less how many views my video gets, but sees me as I am. Broken, but loving. 

And I think he's proud of me too.