Another day...

So today is a day that I don't really choose to remember. It's not right to celebrate it, because it's not an easy memory to deal with...But it is a day. And it comes around every year. So I guess that makes it an anniversary. You could view today as the day my brother died 7 years ago. And that's true. But, I would rather look at it as the day he met Jesus and went to heaven. (Look at my fake pink hair. Can we say AWKWARD STAGE?)

I always joke that Dustin doesn't let me forget about the day he died. For some reason, every single year since he has passed away, SOMETHING happens around this date that makes me think about him, and then I realize it's almost that fated day, and now, it just makes me laugh. I REMEMBER DUST. Thanks for reminding me ;) 

Well this year I was reminded after having a conversation with my sister after seeing the movie About Time. We sat down and we listed out the moments that we wish we could relive again and the moments we would go back and do differently even if it changed everything. 

When Dustin died I used to PRAY that I wouldn't dream about  him because I didn't want to wake up and have to face it all over again, so I never dream about him. HOWEVER,I dreamed last night. I dreamed that I answered the door and there was Dustin...18 years old, in an army uniform, with a smile as big as the grand canyon. It gave me so much peace, and it reminded me of why I am grateful for this day. To remember why I am grateful to be alive. 

So here are the moments I wish I could relive again.

1. A day with Dustin healthy- I would love to have a day, knowing he would get cancer, with my brother. I can still remember him standing at my closet, bald head from Chemo on Christmas morning and telling me he wasn't ready to die. BUT he encouraged me to never forget how precious our time together is! I hope I never forget that.

2. My first Summer in Los Angeles- In that summer lives some of my most treasured moments. I lived with 3 girls in one room. We laughed, we cried, one of us met the love of our lives, and I met my lifelong friends here on the West coast. Oh what I would give to go back to when I fell in love with heat lamps, boys in beanies, and dancing on Main on Main. 

3. Jumping on the trampoline one more time with my mom. My mom got Multiple Sclerosis when I turned 15 years old. Both me and my sister said we would want to relive the times when we would jump for hours on the trampoline with my mom. She peed her pants every time, but I still remember how high she could go and how much I loved that time with her and my sisters. To me, she will always be the most beautiful ballerina.

4. My Graduation day from college- Anyone who knew me from UGA knows that I was a pretty intense student. I'm actually not sure why I studied so much, or even why I cared, but one moment I wish I could relive is my graduation day, May 2010. Now, I have never told an employer what my GPA is because, who cares?!! and I could care less... But during the ceremony, there was a moment where they had students with a certain GPA stand up for recognition. I looked around at me and only a few other people were standing and I remember thinking, WOW, this moment is almost over. It wasn't so much the moment of recognition as it was finding in the crowd the look on my parents faces as they waved their hands like crazy beaming from cheek to cheek. When I locked eyes with them, I remember seeing how proud they were of me... and I cherish that moment.

5. Driving Across the country with my best friend. I packed up as much as I could in my 1999 mustang, with 700$, no place to stay, and nothing but a dream and a million PRAYERS. I remember thinking "Am I really old enough to do this?" It was around Arizona when I walked up to the Grand Canyon, that I really felt like I was starting my life in a way. Looking back, I should have been scared... I had nothing in place, but I wasn't. That uncertain, scary, wonderful moment, I would love to play again.

One of the very last things my brother said to me before he passed away was...

"Don't listen to anyone. Go to LA. Chase your dreams. I know you can do it."

...and so here I am.

xoxo Haley Roe