Landing on your ass.

I just had a baby..

No, I’m not pregnant. I mean the passion project/baby/bain of my existence has finally arrived. I have been working/trying/fighting for a year and a half (more like 26 years) for today. 

And...Somehow my brother, always seems to do something around the day of his Birthday that reminds me to keep fighting. Keep movin’ along. How did I not realize that this was due the day before his birthday? And the fact that that was the last time I posted in here!?

I know I am dramatic, but this is actually verbatim one of our last conversations..before he passed away. He said “Go to California. Chase your dreams. No matter what Mom and Dad say.” ...and I promised him that. I forget that happened sometimes…but here I am in Mar Vista trying to avoid the nightly helicopter chases and not washing my hair because it’s cool in Venice (sorry mom)

These past 2 years 2 months have been challenging in so many ways..but the questions I keep coming to are:

What if no one ever approves of me? What if I am not good enough? and lastly…What is Success?

I feel like I am trying so HARD. Wanting to learn and be so good.. but I keep feeling this sense of insignificance. A sort of incapability to please people... Or to feel like I am “GOOD”.

This is something, I honestly, am not used to. I grew up in a household where my Mimi would tell people I won American Idol if I got through a round of a singing competition, my Mom cries every time I show her anything I work on, and my friends believe in me.

So I have have to cry in the bathtub...drink red wine... REALLY sit back…and really think about what TO ME means I am being successful...

What if my challenges never TRULY get worked through? Or the valleys aren’t amounting to some sort of Earthly societal “WIN”…some “I told you so” comeback?

It’s comforting to think when things are tough, this too shall pass... But, What if it doesn’t? What if you failing HARD, and working harder, doesn’t make you come out on top?

What if you shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars on your ass?

WHAT. THEN? 

Shouldn’t I feel like today is the DAY!?  Shouldn’t I be top down in my convertible blaring the new Taylor Swift CD on cloud 9 feeling like I just accomplished something huge? (I probably will still do this)  Why don’t I feel different?!?!

I think I figured it out. There is never a moment.

It's a cumulation of moments.

Like this:

Move to California, start working for Red Bull, meet friends who encourage you, realize you have to start doing what you think you want, quit your job, ask for another job, take a chance, meet a boy who loves you, start taking chances, fail, cry in the bath tub, think you have made it, fail again, drink red wine, try again, be hurt by people you thought want you to do well, get over it, keep trying, repeat.

There is no real moment… it’s just all of them in one. And some are amazing and some just plain out suck, but they are all your moment. So what does that mean?

No matter what I am doing, I can control these two things:

1. Seek God First

2. Love people.

Whether I am serving cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster (yes I did that) or traveling the country to entertain and make people feel special, I can always love people. 

But, what does that mean about success? I guess it means that as long as you are living in your mini-moments, and loving people, you are doing pretty damn good. 

So even if I do “end up on my ass” I will have people I love, and that love me there to pick me right back up. I will serve a God that could care less how many views my video gets, but sees me as I am. Broken, but loving. 

And I think he's proud of me too.

Another day...

So today is a day that I don't really choose to remember. It's not right to celebrate it, because it's not an easy memory to deal with...But it is a day. And it comes around every year. So I guess that makes it an anniversary. You could view today as the day my brother died 7 years ago. And that's true. But, I would rather look at it as the day he met Jesus and went to heaven. (Look at my fake pink hair. Can we say AWKWARD STAGE?)

I always joke that Dustin doesn't let me forget about the day he died. For some reason, every single year since he has passed away, SOMETHING happens around this date that makes me think about him, and then I realize it's almost that fated day, and now, it just makes me laugh. I REMEMBER DUST. Thanks for reminding me ;) 

Well this year I was reminded after having a conversation with my sister after seeing the movie About Time. We sat down and we listed out the moments that we wish we could relive again and the moments we would go back and do differently even if it changed everything. 

When Dustin died I used to PRAY that I wouldn't dream about  him because I didn't want to wake up and have to face it all over again, so I never dream about him. HOWEVER,I dreamed last night. I dreamed that I answered the door and there was Dustin...18 years old, in an army uniform, with a smile as big as the grand canyon. It gave me so much peace, and it reminded me of why I am grateful for this day. To remember why I am grateful to be alive. 

So here are the moments I wish I could relive again.

1. A day with Dustin healthy- I would love to have a day, knowing he would get cancer, with my brother. I can still remember him standing at my closet, bald head from Chemo on Christmas morning and telling me he wasn't ready to die. BUT he encouraged me to never forget how precious our time together is! I hope I never forget that.

2. My first Summer in Los Angeles- In that summer lives some of my most treasured moments. I lived with 3 girls in one room. We laughed, we cried, one of us met the love of our lives, and I met my lifelong friends here on the West coast. Oh what I would give to go back to when I fell in love with heat lamps, boys in beanies, and dancing on Main on Main. 

3. Jumping on the trampoline one more time with my mom. My mom got Multiple Sclerosis when I turned 15 years old. Both me and my sister said we would want to relive the times when we would jump for hours on the trampoline with my mom. She peed her pants every time, but I still remember how high she could go and how much I loved that time with her and my sisters. To me, she will always be the most beautiful ballerina.

4. My Graduation day from college- Anyone who knew me from UGA knows that I was a pretty intense student. I'm actually not sure why I studied so much, or even why I cared, but one moment I wish I could relive is my graduation day, May 2010. Now, I have never told an employer what my GPA is because, who cares?!! and I could care less... But during the ceremony, there was a moment where they had students with a certain GPA stand up for recognition. I looked around at me and only a few other people were standing and I remember thinking, WOW, this moment is almost over. It wasn't so much the moment of recognition as it was finding in the crowd the look on my parents faces as they waved their hands like crazy beaming from cheek to cheek. When I locked eyes with them, I remember seeing how proud they were of me... and I cherish that moment.

5. Driving Across the country with my best friend. I packed up as much as I could in my 1999 mustang, with 700$, no place to stay, and nothing but a dream and a million PRAYERS. I remember thinking "Am I really old enough to do this?" It was around Arizona when I walked up to the Grand Canyon, that I really felt like I was starting my life in a way. Looking back, I should have been scared... I had nothing in place, but I wasn't. That uncertain, scary, wonderful moment, I would love to play again.

One of the very last things my brother said to me before he passed away was...

"Don't listen to anyone. Go to LA. Chase your dreams. I know you can do it."

...and so here I am.

xoxo Haley Roe