This book is wrecking me completely. I am on page 31 and I have cried every single page, no, every single sentence. Not just a tear here and there, but I have been pseudo sobbing for the past hour or so on my flight back to Georgia. In general, I would say that I am a fast reader, always have been...but there is something about this book that I just want to read every single word and really take it in.
People have been giving me strange looks on this flight as my eyes are swollen, my scarf is soaking wet, and I stiffle back sobbing sounds. I can only wish that what I was holding in my hands was the Bible. I wish it was the Bible so people would know that it is truly God's truth that I am reading right now...but to me, right now, God is speaking to me and that is more than enough. That is why my heart is overflowing. I can't stop the tears because I feel the truth. I feel in communion with my heavenly father, and I don't want it to stop. I don't even want the plane to land. I just want to keep reading and communing with my God. It's not like this is the first time I have felt this close to the lord. He is my steady, my rock. My faithful companion. I know he is always there, I just don't always acknowledge him. How foolish on my part. But I feel a shift. That perspective change that I have had so many times, but somehow just fall back into my self-centered way of life.
Before I go into the beauty of this book and of this story of Gods compassionate love, I have to start with the realization that I have had on this flight. I live completely, 100% for the service of myself. Everything I do is in benefit of me. Even my relationship with God is based off of the love I feel from him and how I soak it up. I use it as this comfortable thing that I live my life for..But who am I serving? I am serving my desires. What I want. The fun in my life. Who I am dating this week. How good my body looks. Is my hair blonde enough? I really should get my nails done. All of it. All. Is for me. Something stuck out to me, and I will probably never forget it...In one of the first chapters of this book, Katie says, that she has loved, worshiped and known God but has not done what he says to do.
That is exactly how I feel. I know the truth of the gospel. I know Jesus. I have had encounters with him. I know the holy spirit. But I do not follow him. I know how his way is good and right and perfect, but I simply to not trust it. If I truly did, there would be no question of following him. It's not a matter of figuring out how I can be closer to God. It's simply about saying YES to the next thing God puts in front of me. It's not about saying I will have x amount of time in the word and I will lead a bible study and I will serve this many times a week. If I am truly in communion with God, those things are true desires. They simply flow from and within your life. It's not a CHORE to wake up and spend time with God, but a necessity. If I just go there, he will show up. If I just ask him to open up my eyes and remove the veil that causes me to focus inward on my self-centered life, he will do it.
After page 11 ( I remember specifically) I looked around at the people around me, which only caused me to cry more. I saw Jesus. I saw his creation, which he said is made as an image of himself. I sat there and cried because I realized that I was sitting around and by people that God loved just as much as he loves me. I can only try to comprehend how much Jesus loves me...and then to view people in light of that love and to know that he loves them just as much, well, it changes things.
I was talking to a friend today as he was having some girlfriend issues. I made the statement that his girlfriend was mad at him because she was simply seeing him and their present situation in light of herself. She was mad at him for something because as it pertained to her world, it wasn't what she wanted....But as an outside party looking in, I could see that what was really best and right for him was what he was doing. If she just took a step back and looked at him for who he was, and his life, and his purpose, instead of viewing him in light of herself, she would not be mad at him. In fact, she would be happy for him! She would be encouraging him!
It's funny because as I was able to see this so clearly, it opened my eyes to how I so often do this. Especially when it comes to the people closest to me, but even more so how I just view people in general. I view them in light of myself. Why didn't they do something...or Why DID they do something...I then have emotions tied to those things, but they are in light of myself. What IF I were to take all these situations and view them in light of God. View them through God's perspective instead of my own. How differently I would view things?
Over Thanksgiving A and I saw each other for the first time in a significant amount of time, and something in our conversation really stuck out to me. When discussing our relationship and what we felt was right for our lives separately and together, I said "When I think about it in terms of God, I feel peace, BUT..." and he stopped me. He said, "Stop there. You see, I view it the exact same way as you...I just don't make it past the BUT. You have to stop before the But."
That's what I have been trying to do lately, and by the grace of God, I feel like I really am doing it. There are certain areas of my life that I feel no reservation in giving God the reigns. I am a faithful servant and I have no doubt that God has my back. Then there are these areas of my life that I just cling to. I think I have some sort of control over them, and I am gripping onto these ideas of what I think is best for me so tightly.
That's what this new year signifies for me. To let go of the things I cling to, and live life to the FULLEST.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest. John 10:10
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