Landing on your ass.

I just had a baby..

No, I’m not pregnant. I mean the passion project/baby/bain of my existence has finally arrived. I have been working/trying/fighting for a year and a half (more like 26 years) for today. 

And...Somehow my brother, always seems to do something around the day of his Birthday that reminds me to keep fighting. Keep movin’ along. How did I not realize that this was due the day before his birthday? And the fact that that was the last time I posted in here!?

I know I am dramatic, but this is actually verbatim one of our last conversations..before he passed away. He said “Go to California. Chase your dreams. No matter what Mom and Dad say.” ...and I promised him that. I forget that happened sometimes…but here I am in Mar Vista trying to avoid the nightly helicopter chases and not washing my hair because it’s cool in Venice (sorry mom)

These past 2 years 2 months have been challenging in so many ways..but the questions I keep coming to are:

What if no one ever approves of me? What if I am not good enough? and lastly…What is Success?

I feel like I am trying so HARD. Wanting to learn and be so good.. but I keep feeling this sense of insignificance. A sort of incapability to please people... Or to feel like I am “GOOD”.

This is something, I honestly, am not used to. I grew up in a household where my Mimi would tell people I won American Idol if I got through a round of a singing competition, my Mom cries every time I show her anything I work on, and my friends believe in me.

So I have have to cry in the bathtub...drink red wine... REALLY sit back…and really think about what TO ME means I am being successful...

What if my challenges never TRULY get worked through? Or the valleys aren’t amounting to some sort of Earthly societal “WIN”…some “I told you so” comeback?

It’s comforting to think when things are tough, this too shall pass... But, What if it doesn’t? What if you failing HARD, and working harder, doesn’t make you come out on top?

What if you shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars on your ass?

WHAT. THEN? 

Shouldn’t I feel like today is the DAY!?  Shouldn’t I be top down in my convertible blaring the new Taylor Swift CD on cloud 9 feeling like I just accomplished something huge? (I probably will still do this)  Why don’t I feel different?!?!

I think I figured it out. There is never a moment.

It's a cumulation of moments.

Like this:

Move to California, start working for Red Bull, meet friends who encourage you, realize you have to start doing what you think you want, quit your job, ask for another job, take a chance, meet a boy who loves you, start taking chances, fail, cry in the bath tub, think you have made it, fail again, drink red wine, try again, be hurt by people you thought want you to do well, get over it, keep trying, repeat.

There is no real moment… it’s just all of them in one. And some are amazing and some just plain out suck, but they are all your moment. So what does that mean?

No matter what I am doing, I can control these two things:

1. Seek God First

2. Love people.

Whether I am serving cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster (yes I did that) or traveling the country to entertain and make people feel special, I can always love people. 

But, what does that mean about success? I guess it means that as long as you are living in your mini-moments, and loving people, you are doing pretty damn good. 

So even if I do “end up on my ass” I will have people I love, and that love me there to pick me right back up. I will serve a God that could care less how many views my video gets, but sees me as I am. Broken, but loving. 

And I think he's proud of me too.

Another day...

So today is a day that I don't really choose to remember. It's not right to celebrate it, because it's not an easy memory to deal with...But it is a day. And it comes around every year. So I guess that makes it an anniversary. You could view today as the day my brother died 7 years ago. And that's true. But, I would rather look at it as the day he met Jesus and went to heaven. (Look at my fake pink hair. Can we say AWKWARD STAGE?)

I always joke that Dustin doesn't let me forget about the day he died. For some reason, every single year since he has passed away, SOMETHING happens around this date that makes me think about him, and then I realize it's almost that fated day, and now, it just makes me laugh. I REMEMBER DUST. Thanks for reminding me ;) 

Well this year I was reminded after having a conversation with my sister after seeing the movie About Time. We sat down and we listed out the moments that we wish we could relive again and the moments we would go back and do differently even if it changed everything. 

When Dustin died I used to PRAY that I wouldn't dream about  him because I didn't want to wake up and have to face it all over again, so I never dream about him. HOWEVER,I dreamed last night. I dreamed that I answered the door and there was Dustin...18 years old, in an army uniform, with a smile as big as the grand canyon. It gave me so much peace, and it reminded me of why I am grateful for this day. To remember why I am grateful to be alive. 

So here are the moments I wish I could relive again.

1. A day with Dustin healthy- I would love to have a day, knowing he would get cancer, with my brother. I can still remember him standing at my closet, bald head from Chemo on Christmas morning and telling me he wasn't ready to die. BUT he encouraged me to never forget how precious our time together is! I hope I never forget that.

2. My first Summer in Los Angeles- In that summer lives some of my most treasured moments. I lived with 3 girls in one room. We laughed, we cried, one of us met the love of our lives, and I met my lifelong friends here on the West coast. Oh what I would give to go back to when I fell in love with heat lamps, boys in beanies, and dancing on Main on Main. 

3. Jumping on the trampoline one more time with my mom. My mom got Multiple Sclerosis when I turned 15 years old. Both me and my sister said we would want to relive the times when we would jump for hours on the trampoline with my mom. She peed her pants every time, but I still remember how high she could go and how much I loved that time with her and my sisters. To me, she will always be the most beautiful ballerina.

4. My Graduation day from college- Anyone who knew me from UGA knows that I was a pretty intense student. I'm actually not sure why I studied so much, or even why I cared, but one moment I wish I could relive is my graduation day, May 2010. Now, I have never told an employer what my GPA is because, who cares?!! and I could care less... But during the ceremony, there was a moment where they had students with a certain GPA stand up for recognition. I looked around at me and only a few other people were standing and I remember thinking, WOW, this moment is almost over. It wasn't so much the moment of recognition as it was finding in the crowd the look on my parents faces as they waved their hands like crazy beaming from cheek to cheek. When I locked eyes with them, I remember seeing how proud they were of me... and I cherish that moment.

5. Driving Across the country with my best friend. I packed up as much as I could in my 1999 mustang, with 700$, no place to stay, and nothing but a dream and a million PRAYERS. I remember thinking "Am I really old enough to do this?" It was around Arizona when I walked up to the Grand Canyon, that I really felt like I was starting my life in a way. Looking back, I should have been scared... I had nothing in place, but I wasn't. That uncertain, scary, wonderful moment, I would love to play again.

One of the very last things my brother said to me before he passed away was...

"Don't listen to anyone. Go to LA. Chase your dreams. I know you can do it."

...and so here I am.

xoxo Haley Roe

What you should wait for....

Ladies, Lil Mama's, Soul Sistas, 

I have all sorts of wisdom to pass on after my 16 day trek around Greece, but I was prompted today to just share a message to my girls. Since I don't have a daughter, and my little sister is already engaged, I just want to share this with any lady who decides to read it. 

This is not a brag post, or a "our boyfriends are better than yours" attempt. Just feel lucky that when I decided men were the worst breed of creature God created that I shy-ed away from the blog. Because that could have gotten real messy...

Just recently, I have been noticing how men can be amazing. How they can really speak truth into their significant others lives. Here is a picture my friend Victoria shared.  If you haven't seen her wedding video, it's gone viral...As in half a million views. Take the 10-15 minutes, Grab our your tissues, and enjoy cuz it's a doozey...but finish reading this post first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri3EBDvbYXA 

She shared this on Insta:

Marriage puts into your spouse's hand a massive power to reprogram your own self appreciation. He or she can overturn anything previously said about you, to a great degree redeeming the past. The love and affirmation of your spouse has to power to heal you of many of the deepest wounds

I love the truth in this. How we are called to build each other up! And how men can really truly be...a huge blessing and necessity in your life. So this post is based off my current boyfriend, as well as some relationships around me that I want to model mine after.

The kind of guy you should wait for:

He is supportive of your dreams.

He (attempts) to make you meals based off of your food allergies ...AND he is Not just the guy who will BUY you tampons, but The one who will CARRY them when you decide a purse is a fashion NO for the night.

The one who throws a surprise hula-hoop party for his girlfriend and gets them all to take handstand pics since she is a yogi mermaid princess...

He knows you feel sick at work, so his surprise for you is a bag filled with:

Flowers, Gasx (Ultra strength because he remembers the other kind doesn't work for your IBS stomach), a heating pad, Gingerale, and soup.

The one who buys wine for your roommate for her b-day and doesn't tell you (because it's not meant to impress you, he just really cares about her) and

The one who texts your best friend to ask for Christian book recommendations

The one who hears you say you like the smell of a candle but it's just too much money, so he pays his little sister to get it from the store for you... and

The one who texts your mom to reassure her that I am not on the front lines at war when I am in Greece traveling

The one who takes his lunch break every day to bike home to hold his new daughter.

NOT the one who breaks up because of "DISTANCE" but the one who decides to hop on a motorcycle 6 hours both ways to START dating an amazing girl that made him look twice. 

The one who has been married twice as long as I have been alive, and their Facebook profile is of them and their sweetheart...

I feel lucky that this demonstration of love is around me daily and that I can learn how to better love people in return.

When I look at the common denominator in these sweet acts of love, it somehow involves listening. One of the most beautiful things about a relationship is that that person "gets you"...or maybe they just listen. Regardless, when you feel like someone knows you, you feel loved. 

So ladies, from 15- 95, wait for someone like that.

That's all.

Things I learned/Remembered while visiting Georgia

Trips home always center me...and make me crazy at the same time. Here are some things I learned this trip.

1. No amount of make-up can make you pretty on the inside- I mean this literally and figuratively. I thought about "make-up" in general when I realized day 5 of the trip home that I had not ONCE put on an ounce of make-up since arriving on the red Georgia clay. There's just something about sun-kissed cheeks, and lake hair that makes everyone look a little bit more beautiful. Plus, the people I was with emphasize the better things in life...Rather than focusing on taking a good selfie for Instagram/Snapchat, we focused on making each other laugh and seeing how much ice cream we could possibly eat before being sick. Living in LALA land, I am surrounded by beautiful people. But there are some really pretty shells with some really nasty insides. That was a hard realization for me when first moving here, but now, I have a better radar, know how to love people without trusting that they have my best interest at heart, and truly cherish the beautiful SOULS that I know out on the West Coast. 

Takeaway: I would rather have a pretty soul than be a size zero. (Which is a good thing, because I was never, and will never be one.) 

Front porch swingin'

2. I will always crave Chickfila more on a Sunday. I always knew this, but being so close to the fried goodness reminded me how true that is. I may or may not have eaten it 4 times in my 6 day trip home. And when I was refrained from my Chicken Biscuit, I was less than pleased.

Takeaway pt 1 (the shallow realization): Buy a Chickfila biscuit the day before so you have it on Sunday. Easy solution.

Takeaway pt 2: "We always want what we can't have." OR "The Grass is always greener." When I am in CA, I sometimes get sad about not being close to my family, or missing out on things with my sweet southern friends... But that is the same for when I am home and away from my bike that so graciously takes me to the beach. Or my roommates who I could talk to for hours about nothing. No matter where I am, I have learned (over time) to be present in the moment. To not wonder what would be or not be if I was somewhere else...to not have FOMO (Fear.Of.Missing.Out). 

........(or what actually might be true: I just really will always want Chickfila every day, so no matter when it's closed, I will yearn for it.)

Delivery from my one and only.

3. The rope swing at the lake is ALWAYS scary. This trip to the lake was different than most, as the water in Lake Lanier was FINALLY HIGH. I know that fellow Georgians are pissed about this reality as they have had a very WET and Thundery summer, but for me, this meant the rope swing had less of a drop thus it SHOULD be less scary! FALSE. It doesn't matter how old I am, or how many times I have done the swing, I always almost pee myself when I get to the top. Of course, as soon as I go, I am up there a few seconds later ready to go higher and hang on longer, but NO MATTER WHAT it's scary. 

Takeaway: When I think back to the fact that I moved thousands of miles away from home, with less than $1,000 to pursue an acting dream, I think I should have been scared. I should have almost peed my pants in my Mustang as I crossed into CA, but I have to be honest, I wasn't. I think that's because when you know you are ready to take a huge leap off the rope swing...When you want to feel that scary "stomach in your throat" feeling. When the idea of NOT going off the swing, makes you a sissy, and more mad at yourself than if you just put on your "big girl panties" and jump, you just do it. I think I am the kind of person who will always crave that feeling...and I will always jump.

4. Being an Aunt makes me want to be a better person. My older nephews and niece are now at an age where being an aunt is different for me. Before, I would hold them, give them a bottle when my sister was tired, put them in time-out if they kicked their brother, and give them endless amounts of kisses. Now, I would have to chase them full speed, tackle them to the ground, and hold their arms down to kiss them...and that is IF they don't put me in some type of wrestling move first where I can't move and have to scream "MERCY"! It's weird looking for "Hotties" with my 15 year old niece, and looking at Facebook pictures of "girlfriends." 

I had one special moment with my nephew Jackson. He wanted to go out with me on the Jet Ski...He almost didn't come because my other nephew wouldn't go, but he went under one condition: I had to go full speed. Now, Jackson is 6. This means he has to sit in FRONT of me on the jet ski, making it sort of difficult to go 60 MPH when a small flailing body to squeeze between my legs. Once I felt pretty comfortable with him sitting there, I decided to do something my Dad always did with me when I was little. Scare him. I knew there was a possibility that we might fall off, even maybe get hurt. But there was a part of me that wanted to be a "cool aunt," and so I held down the throttle. I held it down for a LONG time....Until we were going over 50 mph...and then, there came a WAVE. 

....Now, I could have slowed down...and I probably should have, but...I didn't. I held on real tight, and up we went. I mean we went really high..I even scared myself. When we landed and water sprayed all over us, Jackson turned around, Eyes wide, Smiling from ear to ear..... and through about 3 teeth that he has left (as he has sent most of them to the tooth fairy)... he screamed "AUNT HALEY, YOU'RE AWESOME!" I just busted out laughing and started doing donuts to celebrate our moment together. 

Takeaway: Being an aunt. I am looked at. And in some ways mimicked. These little nuggets make me want to be a better person...for them.

 5. Nicknames make you feel special. There is just something about a nickname that makes things more personal. When you call someone a nickname, it's kind of like an inside joke. You may not even know that person well, but there's some sort of camaraderie that you feel when someone calls you something they made up. I realized this when my nephew Addison came up with nicknames for my boyfriend Ryan. He not only came up with nicknames, but phrases. 

Let me explain:

Pimpin Ice Cold- This phrase was used over 100x a day. 

Definition: Something you say after something is AWESOME. i.e. A front flip off the rocks at the lake, Talking about picking up babes on the Jet Skiis, Doing some sort of Karate Kick to his sister...all of it is "pimpin ice cold"

Gnarley- We can thank Ryan for this one. Addison picked up this SOCAL word from Ryan....and my life was never the same. 

Booger Boy Borus- This is the nickname for a "loser"...Which in most instances was Me according to my nephews. The phrase derived from the Egg white separator my mom has that is a "nose"...Gross.

Ryan's nicknames via my nephews- "My Main Man", "Godzilla Icebox", or as Addison reminded me 50x "Ryan is the grown up version of me Aunt Haley".

Take-away- Boys will be boys, and they are weird. AND I will take being a Booger Boy Borus any day, if it means I am around my sweet nephews (and niece).

6. Life goes on even if you feel like it stopped. I can remember back to when my brother died 6 years ago. There are times it feels like yesterday and times it feels like a century ago. Whenever something BIG like this happens, it sort of feels like everything stops...like the world is put on hold and you are just trying to wrap your head around what just happened. What I have learned through experiencing several of these "Wait, WHAT" moments, is that life does go on. The sun goes up, and then goes down, I get a year older, and the next thing I know, my nephew has underarm hair. (I am still trying to process this one as you can see). 

The coolest thing that happened to me on this trip home would probably be seeing glimpses of my brother through his son Addison. Even though Addison was only about 7 when Dustin died, he still sometimes says things, and looks just like him. It's crazy to me how his mannerisms are there when Addison wasn't really old enough to even pick up on that before he died. 

Take-away: When God takes away, he is always giving back.

7. Mimi is always right. Mimi is my best friend. She's my grandmother, but she is my best friend first. She always somehow knows things before they happen and is DEAD SET in her ways. Don't piss her off, or ESPECIALLY hurt someone she loves, because you will never be forgiven. She will always have some sort of cookie or treat for you to eat. You will always say no, and 10 minutes later find yourself at the bottom of the bag. She will always be your #1 fan, and kick your ass if you don't listen to her. She will always be wearing huge  sparkly sunglasses and some sort of MUMU. She doesn't believe in sunscreen and I can NEVER be blonde enough. Spending time with her is always hilarious, and she is my hero.

Take-away: She is not always right, but don't try telling her, or fighting it. Everytime I leave for LA I cry because I am leaving her, but she is one of the main reasons I am here. She teaches me to GO FOR IT, and I will.

                       

 xoxo Haley Roe

Dating in LA...

While talking to a friend about how many douchers live within the state of California (speaking specifically of men), I started listing off the wonderful, wait no, the AWFUL (but fun) dating experiences I have had since moving here...

I know that some of the below mentioned people will probably find this/hear about this/and eventually maybe read this. Just know that, Because of you, I have learned a lot about myself, had a lot of fun, and have this funny list to share.


Here is my list of the most random/awful/hilarious/awesome datees.

1. Cocaine Kisses- a guy who left some residue in my mouth post make-out sesh. I wasn't quite sure why my mouth was numb....I do now. Welcome to LA I guess..

2. The Actor- Who when I was in the hospital came over to "help me" and I made HIM dinner.


3. The College Kid- A 22 year old punk, in his 6th year of college, who handed me back "my necklace" from his place aka DORM room, and newsflash... it wasn't My necklace


4. The "What Was I thinking"-a guy who claimed to be a "sexologist" as he held his S&M book. I was unfortunately too naive at the time to know what S&M was...for reference please check out this Rihanna video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdS6HFQ_LUc

5. The "Can't Help But Love him"-a guy in my office who thought he could date me, my friend, my friends friend, my roommate, my roommates friend, my roommates friends friend and beyond...all of which somehow webbed together in one large circle of friends.....come onnnnnn mannnn (even though I love him and he deserves an amazing girl someday, because he legitimately is a good guy.....aka I know he will read this/know about it. JK!..BUT REALLY :))

6. The "Groom"-a guy who wanted to get married so bad that within about 6 months of us stopping dating, he was engaged and moved in with his new lover. Not questioning the integrity of that relationship, I hear he's real happy...

7. Actually go back to #6 two different times. That's right. I "Good Luck Chucked" 2 other guys....Ladies, you're welcome.
Explained reference here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Luck_Chuck

8. The Comedian- who thought that me finally introducing him to my friends meant he should secretly get her number and try to hang out with her without me knowing. Good try bud. I am sure you reference me in your jokes on the reg.

9. The "Celeb"-A guy who was quite literally jumping from space "for my love" all while having a serious relationship with his absent girlfriend. Note: We did NOT actually date. (I really hope he doesn't read this, he might have me excommunicated from the country...I'm actually serious)

10. And finally, The constant merry-go-round- with my long-term ex-boyfriend. The 3 month check-in, the random make-out....That's just never good y'all...but everyone has to do it I guess.

There are some really good guys in this list that I mention....Some of which I am really good friends with now, Some that I avoid at all costs, and some that I don't mention because they could probably easily write 10+ things about me that were horrible when I was dating them...

That's the thing though right...Dating is weird. You aren't always your best self, and a lot of the time, you are really selfish. You actually take PRIDE in being selfish and "doing things for yourself...to find yourself." WHEN in actuality, you are just being a douchebag. I am equally as guilty of all these random/funny/embarrassing/awful things...just in different ways.

Gah, that somehow felt really good to get off my chest. Maybe I should just delete this....

not.

xoxo Haley Roe

Surprise?

I tell myself daily that I need to blog more...and yet I never do.

But I vow to at least try more.

I will try to go back and write some about what has been doing on in the past year that I have pretty much neglected this bloggie, but for now, I will just write about yesterday.

So, a few weeks ago, I surprised Ryan (Ryan is my boyfriend whom I don't believe the bloggie has met yet) and took him on a date. I took him to the Marina Dine-In theater, and it was a HIT. We LOVED it.

We got to recline our chairs (all the way down), ordered a delicious meal, drank wine, and cuddled while eating (well, I was eating) the best brownie I have EVER had in my entire 24 years of life...Needless to say he was stoked on it, and still claims it was our best dates so far...

So going off this idea of surprising each other, Ryan schemed a grand plan to take me on a nice date that I had no idea what we were doing. All he told me was "you can dress up as fancy as you want." This was my only direction, and I was so excited.

I knew we had to leave work early, so I packed my bag and was ready to go... I even shaved my legs in the work shower (disgusting).

Anyhoo, the boys in my department were giving me a hard time asking where we were going, and I kept answering "I don't know, Ry won't tell me." They then got into a heated discussion amongst themselves as they cursed girls and their expectations.

Boys: "A guy should NEVER tell a girl he has a surprise. He is setting himself up for failure. The girls expectations are way up here...and the boy delivers way down here....Just saying, you shouldn't do it."

Upon getting in the car with my handsome man, I told him what the boys were talking about and Ryan responded, "Well they must not know me then...they will be taking notes."

And that's right when that confidence got stuffed right back into his mouth. For some reason, he decided to take the scenic route to "throw me off" and somehow forgot that it was SUMMER in CALIFORNIA...which makes the beach route impossible to drive down. We had 45 minutes to go 3 miles, yet we were at a complete stand still as beach-goers, bikers, and surfers alike merrily ran past our car soaking up the summer sun...

That's when things started getting heated. literally. Ryan starts sweating, I am silent knowing that he is freaking out, and I just sat there watching the clock tick as we sat still... I still didn't know what we were doing, but I did know that there was a 99% chance that we were NOT getting there. He said "We have to be there by 6 or it won't happen..."

A few cuss words, lane changes, and pedestrians later, Ryan pulls into the Marina at 5:57 when out of the corner of my eye I spot Ross (My roommates boyfriend) SPRINTING down the road. He sees me, and then proceeds to drop to his stomach in an army crawl to avoid us seeing him... (it didn't work obviously).... I say "Ryan, is that Ross?" He said no, and argued that I was seeing things, as I argued back "NO ITS HIM..." Ryan  then quickly  parks the car, runs in circles, and screams "I DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO, DO YOU SEE ROSS?"

I respond "Um..are we getting on a boat?" ---- Surprise ruined. Ryan basically drops to his knees in defeat, goes... "well, yep." and I just start completely busting out laughing.

We run to the boat, and get on, when I see Blaire. Not sure why I didn't piece it together that she would be there, but my best friend was then sitting on the boat sippin' on her white wine.

The surprise was supposed to go as such:
Ryan takes me to the Marina, pretends we are going to dinner, he then casually walks towards the boat where we see my best friend and her boyfriend there and I respond "oh my gosh, whaaat? and we get on..." That's kind of how it went ;)

It didn't matter. We had the time of our lives and felt like celebrities as we whisked through the marina drinking white wine and talking about how lucky we are to be where we were with each other. That's one thing I am so grateful for...my friends really appreciate what we have. There isn't a moment that someone isn't saying DO WE REALLY LIVE HERE? Do we get to really do this???

And it's true. I felt completely loved and celebrated as we were alongside sailboats and boat goers with the people I call family.

Here are some pictures from our epic date:

And the night ended with Pizza in bed.

xoxo Haley Roe

Life as of late

My life as of late:

Award shows, Malibu Wines, Camping, tattoo arms, amazing valentines day, beanies, Hide yo kids hide yo wife, closet photo shoot.